Love Letter to Myself

December 23, 2015

My Courageous act yesterday was to write a Love Letter to Myself.  That started out to be quite hard and turned into such a Blessing to me.

Today my Courageous Act is to Post that Love Letter on my blog.  Oh my…..  Sharing my Life with you is wonderful and not so easy at times…

 

December 22, 2015

My Dearest Tammy,
I Love You So Very Much.  I AM So Proud of you.  You have been through so much this year and have Risen above all the turmoil in a fashion I never thought possible a few years ago.  You have grown in Love and Light and Peace.  I Love the way you Love yourself.  I Love the way you Love others.  I Love how you follow your Divine guidance.  I Love how you have stepped out in Faith to pursue your Life Purpose,  your mission,  your passions.  You have been Courageous!  You Love yourself and care about yourself in a way you never have before.  You care more about what you think than what others think about you. You are speaking your Truth in Love more and more every day.

I Love you, My Dear.  I look into your eyes and see Complete,  Unconditional Love Shining back at me in that mirror image.  I feel your Love radiating out to me.  I Love how you walk in nature and greet all the trees and animals with Love.  I Love how you have started openly assisting people and animals in their Healing process and I Love the results you have seen.

I Love how you have asked for Miracles and are open to receive them.  I Love how a flock of Geese, so high in the sky, flew in a circle for you to see a Miracle and changed directions to fly over you as you took your morning walk.  I Love how bunnies come to your door to accept Healing.  I Love how you talked and listened to the snakes that have come so close to you to teach you lessons of moving on and shedding your old skin – transformation.  You, Tammy,  set aside your fear and embraced the snakes you so feared at one time.

I Love how you have shared your Heart in your blog, making your Life an Open book in hopes of Assisting others in learning to Love themselves.

I am So Proud of you, Tammy Joyful, for doing the best you can to remain Joyful.  No matter what circumstances come your way.  No matter what may try to steal your Peace.

I AM a so Very Proud of you for learning to Love Yourself.  When you started this journey of loving yourself with Louise Hay, she advised you to look in the mirror and say “I Love you, Tammy.”  I remember how Very Hard that was.  Impossible at first, in fact…   I started with, “I am willing to change.”  Then moved on to, “I am willing to try to a love myself.”  And finally after a couple years, You Did It!  You are now able to look into that mirror and say, “I Love You, Tammy. ”  and Really mean it.  I am So Proud of you.

I Love how you now take care of yourself.  You no longer give too much to others at the detriment of yourself.  Which has in turn allowed you to be stronger and give more than you were able to give before.

I Love You.  I Love your Pure Heart.  I Love your Pure Energy.   I Love your Pure Light, Shining for All to see and accept. I Love how you approach everything from a space of Love.

I Love how you Expect Miracles!  You had the thought, “Wouldn’t it be cool if that flock of geese (a second flock) would fly right over my head?” “Wow, look at that, they changed direction and are coming toward me.  Right over my head.  So close I can hear the beautiful sound coming from their flapping wings.  So Very Cool.”    I heard, “Everything is possible now, Tammy, Everything and Anything.  Tell people, What we Believe we Will See.”

Miracles.  I truly Believe in Miracles.  I have seen and experienced Miracles.  I expect to See Miracles.  I Love that you Believe in Miracles, Tammy.

I Love that you can now Love Unconditionally.   Yourself and others.

Even after just writing this, doubts flood over me…  How can this be true?  How can I Love me?  Why do I Love me?  And the kicker…..    Do I really Love me?

The moments I waiver, I take a deep Breath, ask for help and

Choose to Believe.

Choose to Believe I Love myself.

Choose to Believe in Miracles.

Choose to Believe I Love another and another will Love me.

So Many Emotions…

December 11, 2015  I have gone through so many emotions the past week and half.  Anger, sadness, frustration, relief, joy, numbness and more…

I started to let the situation and people around me affect my life.  I had lost my Joy.  I had lost my will to move on.  I was tired, worn out, depressed.

I now make a decision to survive using COURAGE, HUMOR AND GRACE.  I once again choose Joy.

I choose to Live.

I choose to move on.

I choose to use this experience to assist others in their Healing Process.

Dan, you did not choose Life here on this Earth.

I choose Life.  I intend to assist others in choosing Life.

I will assist you in your Healing Process and in choosing Life if you will allow me.  Email me:  TammyJoyful@gmail.com

I Love you ALL.

Tammy Joyful

The Day After…

December 6, 2015

One tree… standing along in this ever brightening Light.

One tree… the one that has weathered the storms and still thrives.

One tree… Welcoming the Morning Light with Grace and Gratitude.

One tree… Still smiling, even when the knowing that more storms will come.

This one tree.  She is me.

fb Wild and Wise Women

The Funeral

December 5, 2015  I didn’t know how we would make it through this day. How would Laura, Brian and I make it through this service.  We are strong. We can do it.  We can do anything.  Especially with Family and Friends supporting us.  Thank you.  Thank you ALL for being there with us and also those sending us Light and Love.

Wayne, Wayne our dear friend and I are going to speak during the service. Will we be able to?  A nod to Steve or Annie and we won’t have to, we can sit and let the service move on.  No, that is not what is meant to be.  We must share.  We must share our Hearts.

The Eagles played in the background.  I did not want silence, except for the Military Honors.  The Military Presented the Colors.  Psalm 23 resounded throughout the room.  Precious Lord, Take My Hand, Elvis Presley played for all to hear.

Then it was our turn….  I started…

I looked out at all the family and friends that came to support us.  I covered my mouth, tears coming to my eyes.

I Love you!  I Love you all! Thank you for coming.

Dan Allen Shetley ~ November 14, 1965 to November 30, 2015

Born November 14, 1965 in California to Bonnie and Dale Shetley.  He died in his home on November 30, 2015.  He was an only child.

He graduated from Pasadena High School in 1983.  He enlisted in the US Air Force in 1984 and served his country honorably for over 25 years. During his years in the Air Force, he deployed to Korea, Kuwait (several times), Romania, and Iraq.  He was honored and privileged to serve with so many wonderful people throughout the years.  He loved you all.  He loved serving with his peers and assisting younger airmen be the best they could be.  He wanted them to know their job well and come back from the deployments alive.  He achieved that goal, he brought back all his airmen from the deployments and was very proud.  Dan served his country well, very well.  He gave his ALL to serve his country and take care of his family.  He specialized as an Air Weapons Controller.  His final Assignment was at Cheyenne Mountain AFB/Peterson AFB.  After retiring from the Air Force, he went to school at WyoTech in Laramie, WY with the intent of restoring his Classic ’65 and ’67 Mustangs.  He enjoyed constructing model cars, restoring his classic cars, working on the house and being with family and friends.

Then I said something like this…..

You have a choice.  Each day, each moment you have a choice.  You have a choice.

To Live or not to Live

To Love or not to Love

To Smile or not to Smile

To get out of Bed or not

To laugh or cry

To Heal or to Suffer

To Light up a Room when you walk into it or hide your Beautiful Presence from those around you.

Me – I determine each day to make this Present Day, This Current Day – NOW – the Best Day of my Life so far.  The Past is in the Past, The Future is in the Future.  NOW is here – Breath it in.  Make a conscious choice to Live in this Moment, Right NOW.  To Look at those around you and Pour out Love.  Shower them with kindness and goodness.

What do you choose?  Right NOW you are making a choice.

I CHOOSE TO LIVE.

Then Wayne so eloquently stated…

The other day Tammy asked if I would like to say something. I hesitated. Not because I didn’t want to say anything but because I wasn’t sure if I could say anything. 8 months ago I went through my own personal tragedy, 8 months ago this Monday. My husband, a guy I had been with for over 19 years ended his own life. I know what Tammy is going through. I know what her next 8 months are going to be like. I’ve been through it all myself. My family came to town and helped me pack the house, sell the furniture, sell the cars, the motor home, our rental condo, put the house on the market and move. I couldn’t have done it without my family and my friends. Dan and Tammy were like my family. I met Dan in the Air Force when I was 18. We were both stationed in Germany together. In a lot of ways it was a dream assignment – distant lands, strange languages, great food and lots of parties. It had it’s moments of boredom, frustration and hard work but the good times are what I remember the most. After our unit closed down I lost touch with Dan for a few years until I was stationed in Southern California in January of 1990. I was assigned to the same crew as Dan and he was excited for me to meet Tammy. She was every bit as amazing as he described, she was funny and pretty and welcomed me into their lives like I was a brother. Over the next 5 years I spent a lot of time hanging out with both of them. My friend Johnny and I spent countless days playing darts and computer games well into the night. Tammy usually had to work the following morning but she never complained. I spent countless evenings at their house for dinner. Tammy probably cooked way more food for me than I ever made on my own. We went camping and fishing and skiing together. I helped paint their house and move furniture. Dan got me involved in a few car restorations at his house and I loved hanging out with him doing guy things. I never had anyone in my life that I could do guy things with. When I moved out of the dorm on base and into my own apartment Dan and Tammy loaned me things to help get me started. They were my family. We may have been separated by distance in the years since but they’ve always remained close to my heart. When I told my friends about Dan’s passing, some of their first words were about it being a senseless waste of life. I don’t agree. I agree that it was a premature ending, but an entire life can’t be summed up in a few moments of despair. He has two lovely children, he had a wonderful career that I am envious of, he had his hobbies that he loved, he had so much to be proud of. He had all of you in his life. I could never have accomplished the things he did. I’m proud of the things he did and I’m proud of how far he made it. I will remember the good times.

Thank you, Wayne.  Thank you.

We were honored to have Steve Wamberg give the Sermon.  He did a brilliant job.  Suicide is NOT the unforgivable sin.  God Loves and Accepts Dan just as he is.  All of us, just as we are.

God Loves us ALL more than we can even fathom.  Nothing we can do can make him Love us any More.  Nothing we can do can make him Love us any Less.  He Loves us UNCONDITIONALLY.  Totally.  Completely.  BELIEVE IT.

Psalm 139:1-18

Music: Hello, Adele — How are we ever going to make it through this song without sobbing…..  Then I feel a hand on my right shoulder.  It is our Beautiful Daughter, Laura.  She says “Let’s Dance, Mom.”  Oh, Yes, Let’s Dance.  How Glorious to Dance in the Presence of the LORD.  And to dance with Dan.  We danced at our Wedding and we danced at his funeral. Brian came up to dance with us and we invited all to Dance.

We Danced as a Celebration of Life.  

(Some didn’t understand or agree.  That is OK.  We followed our Hearts.)

*Presentation of flag to family — Oh my.  This was so much harder than I ever thought.  The Military and it’s ceremonies were part of our lives for 25 years and the airmen did a wonderful job.  Dan was proud.  

That snapping, OH that snapping.  Every time they snapped that flag to fold it I cried out.  Unfettered anguish.  I felt the pain to the depths of my Being.  Not holding anything back.  I felt and released all that pain and sorrow.  Holding tightly to my dear children.  One on each side of me.  Brian holding my head as I sobbed.  Oh my…  Oh my….  I still feel the pain as I type this.  Tears stream down my cheeks.  And it wasn’t over.  The pain wasn’t over.  The gun shots.  The Three-volley salute.  Oh, those gun shots.  I could not stand those gun shots.  Brian covered my ears… Laura held on tightly to my hands.  We held tightly to each other.  Oh, no more, no more gun shots…  Please…  Please…   Then, then they handed us that flag.  Like I had seen done many times before.  His flag.  Dan’s flag.  She tried to hand me three cartridges from the salute.  I could not take them.  Brian held out his hand to take them.  My son, doing once again what I could not do.  Thank you.

Scripture readings as benediction: I John 3:19-20; Isaiah 61:1-7

Proud to be an American started.  This is the song we listened to when Dan returned from his deployment to Iraq.  When we drove through the street by our home, flags lining both sides of the street.  The Boy Scouts put them up to honor Dan’s return from the war.  He was so touched and honored.  How were we going to make it through this song.  We were just going to listen. No, that just wasn’t right.  I started singing.  We all sang.  Loudly and Proudly.  How Glorious to sing together. 

Dismissal: Free Bird, Lynyrd Skynyrd

It was over.  We greeted all our guests with a Smile and a Hug.  We are so honored for you all to join us.

It was a Celebration of Life.  It turned out so much better than I ever dreamed it could.

We Honored.  We Remembered.  We Danced.  We Cried.  We Sang.  

 

The Most Important Sun Rise in My Life

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Today.  Today.  Is the first day of the rest of my life.  Today I arose from bed just before Sunrise – perfect timing – as I have witnessed earlier this year.  Perfect timing – although fear creeped in to my mind.  Those nasty doubts.  What if I miss it.  What if I miss the Most Important Sun Rise of My Life so far?  I must hurry.  I hurried to put my clothes on.  Still Afraid I might miss it.  I knew deep down that I would not.  I definitely would not miss this important event.  Even so, I hurried.  I rushed as I have most of my life.  I ran out of my apartment at my Brother’s house.  I hurried to the spot where I could see the horizon.  The East Horizon.  The Sun was still preparing, preparing to RISE.  I had plenty of time.  I slowed.  I went through my Morning rituals as I waited for the Sun to Rise.  Preparing.  That is what we all are doing.  Preparing.  Many will understand these words.  Many will not.  Those who have ears.  HEAR.  KNOW.  TRUST.  Continue to Prepare in your own way.  It is coming.  I AM Here.

I completed my Morning rituals.  I definitely recommend you determine rituals to start your day, everyday.  “There is no need to hurry anymore.”  I heard.  “No need to hurry.”  My timing is Perfect.  I have Always taken care of you.  I will Always take care of you in ALL WAYS.  “Thank you.” I muttered.  “Thank you.”  I started to feel stronger.  With each step.  Stronger and Stronger.  As I prepared to watch the Most Important Sun Rise of my Life.  She was preparing to Rise.  I was Preparing to Experience Her Brilliance.

That is what Life is about now.  Preparing and Experiencing.

Prepare to Love.

Experience Love.

Help others Prepare to Love. Experience Love.  LOVE.  Unconditional Love.

I watched that Sun Rise.  I felt my heart being restored.  My Broken Heart.  My Soul restored.

RISE & AWAKEN all who are ready.

Listen to these words.

Feel them to the depth of your Being.

You are ready.  You have Prepared and you are Ready.  Listen and you will know what steps to take.  You who are Ready, help those who aren’t ready to Prepare.

Love.  Love Unconditionally.

Prepare to Love.

Experience Love.

I watched the Sun Rise.  I once again determined that “this will be the Best day of my life so far.”  Harsh some will say.  To soon some will say.

God’s timing is Perfect.

I will still have moments, hours, a day of sadness.  We all do.  We all choose how to face these challenges.  We all choose how to LIVE our lives.  We ALL have a Choice.  I CHOOSE to LIVE.  I choose to Live Life to the FULL.  I have mourned the past.  I have released my regrets.  I Hope you are able to also.  Release All that no longer serves you.  Release All that is not yours.  I carried the Burden of someone else for far to long.  Stop trying to carry someone else’s Burden.  It only destroys that which is alive.  CHOOSE LIFE.  CHOOSE to ARISE & AWAKEN.

 www.filmsforaction.org/watch/today-I-rise/

The Sun Rising Restored my Soul.  A friend told me “The Sun will Rise Again.”  “It will set and it will Rise Again.”  This came from someone who knows.  Someone who has been through much worse than I and made it through.  He is Living Proof that Life can go on.  I have clung to those words each day.  “The Sun will Rise again.”

Today.  Today.  I witnessed the Most Important Sun Rise of My Life.  Today is the first day of the Rest of My Life.  Today I danced in the Brilliance of the Sun.  The Morning Sun.  A modified, subdued Dance.  I Danced.  That is what is important to me.  I Danced.  I felt alive again.  Able to Breath again.  Able to move forward again.  Someone told me I am too Bright to be dimmed.  Others have Blessed me by saying I have inspired them these last months and also years.  I am so grateful God is using me to touch people’s lives.  I am here to Assist others in their Healing Process.  I will Continue.  I will Move on.  I will Remember.  I will not allow this tragedy to Dim me.  I AM A SHINING LIGHT.  I determine to Light up Every Room I walk into.  I determine to LOVE Everyone I meet.  Everyone I see.  I shine Brightly for Everyone to see.

HERE I AM WORLD.  HERE I AM.

Watch me Shine.

Determine to Shine with me.

You can.

Make a Choice.  Let Life happen to you or grab Life by the reins and determine to Shine.  No matter what happens TO you or Around you.

Shine Baby Shine.  Brighter than you’ve ever shone before.

You can.  If you want.

IT IS YOUR CHOICE.

Today.  Today.  I witnessed the Most Important Sun Rising of My Life so far.

I choose to Embrace this day and Every Day.  I CHOOSE TO LIVE.

 

 

 

 

 

 

OH MY GOD

December 1, 2015 – Oh My God is all I could say yesterday – All Day – that is all I could say.  Until it wasn’t.

Why?  What is happening?  What do I do now?

My husband, the man I left in July, My kid’s father – Killed himself.  He went to bed, fell asleep and died.  I found his cold, hard body yesterday, November 30, 2015.  I called 911.  I couldn’t think.  I didn’t know what to “Do.”  I took one step at a time.  I told the lady on the phone everything she wanted/needed to know.  Until I couldn’t.  Until she asked me to go back into that room.  The room that had been my/our bedroom for 9 years.  Brian, my dear son, took the phone from my hands, my desperately sobbing body.  He went into that room to see and tell that woman what she wanted to know.  To touch his dead father’s hand to see if it was cold.  To see if he was really dead.

The paramedics/fire department came and said “Yes, he is dead.  There is nothing we can do.”

Oh My God.  I kept saying.  I sobbed for hours it seemed.  The police came.  The Sergeant came.  The coroner came.  Everyone was so very nice – helpful – kind – so kind.  Me, a mess – Oh my God – How could he have done this?  Why?  Cause he Loved me and could not live without me?

Love – Is that Love?

Giving up your life because someone left you?  OH MY GOD – This is all my Fault!  Or is it?   OH MY GOD – What do I do now?  OH MY GOD are my kids OK?

OH MY GOD     OH MY GOD     OH MY GOD

Why did he choose to end his life instead of moving on without me?  Why couldn’t he be strong for his kids?  Why couldn’t he Love them enough to Move on.  Why did he choose this path?

Why        Why        Why?

Oh My God, I have to tell his Mom.  Oh My God, how do I tell his Mom, her only child is dead?  She knows what has been going on.  She knows I left her son in July.  She knows I filed for Divorce.  She knows.  She knows it is my fault her only child is dead.  Oh My God.  Oh My God.  How do I tell her?  How does anyone do such an awful thing?  How do I destroy her again?

That is what he said I did to him – I destroyed his life – I destroyed his Holidays – ME – It is My fault – I couldn’t stay any longer – I had to leave

Thank you, God that he didn’t kill my children too – Oh MY God – Oh My God – Oh MY God – Thank you my children are safe.  Oh MY GOD.  Oh My Fucking God what is happening?

OH MY GOD     OH MY GOD     OH MY GOD

My head hurt so bad I thought it would explode.  I thought I would throw up.  Why couldn’t I just throw up?  Why couldn’t this nightmare stop?  Why couldn’t I just have sacrificed my life for his?  Why couldn’t I just have stayed and made him happy?  Happily ever after – that is what he wanted, that is what his Mom wanted.  Maybe that is what I should have done.  Really, Tammy?  Really?

Isn’t that what Love is?  Sacrificing your life for another?  Oh MY God is that what Love is?  What the Fuck is Love – My Selfishness, my desire to be “happy.”  My desire for a life, my life, made him take his own life?  My action determined his death.  Is that True?  That is Fucked up.  Sacrificing my life may have saved his.  A life would have died all the same.  I would have been dead inside.  I could have chosen to continue my existence in that life, in that marriage.  I would have sacrificed, sacrificed my life for his.  Is that Love?  Holy Shit, if that is Love I want nothing to do with it.

Selfish – Some say I am selfish.  What do you think?  Really, search your heart – you think I am selfish don’t you?  Selfish to want to live and Love and Dance – Selfish cause I couldn’t find a way to live with him.  The man I promised to Love and be with forever.  The man I had already sacrificed my life for.  I poured out everything I had to that man.  I had nothing left to give him or anyone.  For months I have been healing.  Healing all the hurt I absorbed over the years.

I Fucked up.  I could have stayed.  I could have gone back to him like I did the year before when I left.  I could have absorbed more of his pain.  Maybe?  Could I?  Maybe…

He was filled with pain.  So much pain.  Pain his father poured out.  His father disowned him – 2 years ago – Told him he would never talk to him again.  His ONLY son – his ONLY child – For what?  For disrespecting him – “No one disrespects me, especially my own son!” [for asking him to stop drinking]  Then a year later, last December 12, 2014, his father drank himself to death.

Oh the pain.  The pain he felt.  Oh the pain.

From his father.  The Military.  The War.

Me – The pain I inflicted on him.  How could I?  I am a “good person” right?  That is what people say.  I’m a “good person.”  What the Hell is a “good person?”

Pain – Oh MY God the pain I’m feeling.

My Faith is wavering.

Are those that say there is no God “right?”

Are those that have NO Faith in anything “right?”

I’m a “good person.”  How could I have hurt someone so deeply that he killed himself if I am a “good person?”

OH MY GOD     OH MY GOD     OH MY GOD

He sacrificed for his family – I should have taken care of him

He sacrificed for his Country – I should have continued to take care of him

He sacrificed his life – I should have taken care of him

OH MY GOD     OH MY GOD     OH MY GOD

I sacrificed for so many years.  Why couldn’t I do it anymore?  Why couldn’t I sacrifice my life so he could live?

Oh MY God – He wasn’t living – His body was alive – He wasn’t living!  He survived wars, conflicts, and an abusive father.  He survived much – he could not survive his wife leaving him.

“He could not live without me.”  That is what he said.

Me – It is my fault

OH MY GOD     OH MY GOD     OH MY GOD

I’m going to throw up.  I can’t take this anymore.  My nose hurts, my head hurts.  My heart has been torn out of my body.  Ripped to shreds.  How could I hurt someone so much they’d kill themselves?

Why did he have to go through so much pain?

Why do I?

Why does his Mother?

Why do my kids?

Why?

That is the question isn’t it.  Why?  I have friends that don’t believe there is a God.  I have friends that are Mad at God.  Dan was Mad at God.  For years, he was mad that I Loved God more than I Loved him.  That the kids and I spent time away from him to spend at church with God.  He wouldn’t go see the kid’s performances if they were at the church.  He was Mad at God and distanced himself from me and the kids more and more as each day passed.  We lived separate lives in the same house.

I have friends that are waiting.  Waiting for Jesus to come and Save them.

Some are simply afraid of God.  He is so Vengeful we have been told.  He sends people to “Hell” for so many reasons.  We are told.  BULLSHIT

Some say Dan is in Hell for committing suicide.  You decide.  What do you think?

Yes You!  THINK!  Think for yourself.  Forget all you have been taught to think.  Just stop for a moment and think.  Stop for a moment and let your mind go blank.  Allow yourself to relax.  Allow the quiet to pour over you.

LISTEN, what do you hear?  How do you feel?  Do you feel Peace?

Do you feel Love?  Loved?  Do you hear and feel Nothing?

Does Anger and rage come up?

What do you hear?  What do you feel?

Write it down.  Try it again.

What can it hurt?  What can sitting quietly with yourself hurt?  What can it accomplish?      Oh so much.

My Faith, Yes, it wavered.  For a moment.

I am certain of Who I Am

I am certain of Who God is

Am I hurting?  Oh Yes.  Hell Yes!

Do I Trust God?  Oh Yes – More than ever.

He has me in his hand.  He has my kids in his hands.  He and His Angels are carrying me Every step of this Journey.  This Wonderful Journey.  No matter how difficult or painful it can be.  I know He is with me.  I know he is For me.  I know without a Shadow of a doubt that He LOVES Me more than I can ever imagine.  AND He LOVES Dan, Yes, He LOVES Dan more that we can imagine Even if he committed suicide.

I let go of all the Whys.  Why this?  Why that? – I Release.

I Trust and know that God has my back and will be with me through this very difficult time in my life – our lives –

I ask one thing of you –

Sit quietly as I described earlier – Listen for His still, small voice – Feel His Love – His UNCONDITIONAL LOVE for you.  Rest in knowing He is ALWAYS there for you.  His Angels are with you and watching over you.  Call upon them for help.

I Love you All!

Tammy Jo         (The Joyful will slowly return.  Of that I am SURE!)

And I will Dance Again.  One Day Soon.