I am not comparing my story to anyone else’s story. It is my story. Not harder or easier or worse than anyone else’s story.
By my own hand. By my own volition. No one else to Blame. I have felt the Guilt and SHAME for many years. It has, my decisions have definitely affected my sexual relationships and in fact every relationship I’ve ever had or tried to have.
I am writing this as a result of reading Momma G’s Daily Dose of Relationship Advise facebook post. Click here to read it: Momma G’s Daily Dose of Relationship Advice facebook
Totally different situation, totally different. I am not comparing situations at ALL. What I am saying is that her writing helped bring up my memories. I am able now to see my situation through more mature eyes.
My story starts at “Sweet 16” with two drunk teenagers in a car exploring each other’s bodies. Parking on the side of a road. I remember the exact place. A dark and quiet gravel country road. Teenagers going out. Teenagers “in love.” Teenagers making a choice while under the influence of alcohol. A choice that I believe has affected all of my relationships.
We did not plan to have sex. I did not want to have sex. I did not think about having sex or how to say no. Had I ever said no to anyone? Did I even know how to say no? I don’t know. I didn’t think about it. I just did it.
I was very powerful. I was very physically strong. Why didn’t I protect me? Why didn’t I say NO and mean it? “Just let me put it in.” I remember those words, his words. “Fine, just do it.” I remember those words, my angry words. Just like that my virginity gone. Just like that. No sacred Beautiful Union of two souls uniting. Just two bodies joined for the motion for moments. No feelings, No emotions, No romance. Just sex. No longer a virgin. No longer a proper Christian girl. Never to be “clean” again. AND it was MY FAULT. I was to Blame. My Guilt and SHAME to bear. Forever.
I made him happy. Or did I? I don’t even know. I was a people pleaser. I tried to make others happy. I remember part of a conversation we had the next day on the phone. I remember me saying “Then why did you do it?” I don’t remember what he said. I don’t remember what I said. I Do, however, remember how I felt.
We eventually broke up. I moved on. My virginity gone. No reason to hold myself Dear anymore. No reason to say No to anyone. As a matter of fact I became the pursuer, pushing and flirting until the one I had chosen and I left the party together.
Some close to me knew. Some close to me tried to help. Some close to me helped me get birth control. A doctor gave me free birth control for years so my parents wouldn’t find out. I counted how many guys I had slept with one time. Somewhere around 40. I can’t remember now.
I remember in college getting mail. Letters calling me a whore. A condom in one letter. I was tough. I was strong. It didn’t bother me.
I did what I did when I wanted to do it with whom I wanted to do it.
I felt Ashamed. I have felt ASHAMED for almost 40 years. I did it all by my own hand. It was ALL My own fault. No one else to BLAME, just Me. My SHAME to bear alone. Each “Conquest” making me Stronger on the outside and weaker on the inside.
The day I wrote this an elderly man around 90 poked me in the stomach and said “I’d like to buy this one.” I had heard words to that effect from older men the whole of my teenage years. This time I stood in my Power and said “No” and walked away feeling EMPOWERED instead of owned.
I am writing this to selfishly help my own relationships. To continue processing my own stuff. To rid myself of that Guilt and Shame. In doing so I hope in some way this help others process their own stuff too.
I choose to Love Me! I choose to feel Beautiful! I choose to release all that guilt and shame I felt! I choose to Live a Life of Love! And as Gwen said, I choose to protect and love the little girl in me. Thank you Gwen for being Brave. Thank you for helping me be Brave. Thank you for choosing to Heal. Thank you for assisting me on my Healing Journey. My Inner child is feeling Loved today.
I am continuing on my Journey to Unconditional Love.