OH MY GOD

December 1, 2015 – Oh My God is all I could say yesterday – All Day – that is all I could say.  Until it wasn’t.

Why?  What is happening?  What do I do now?

My husband, the man I left in July, My kid’s father – Killed himself.  He went to bed, fell asleep and died.  I found his cold, hard body yesterday, November 30, 2015.  I called 911.  I couldn’t think.  I didn’t know what to “Do.”  I took one step at a time.  I told the lady on the phone everything she wanted/needed to know.  Until I couldn’t.  Until she asked me to go back into that room.  The room that had been my/our bedroom for 9 years.  Brian, my dear son, took the phone from my hands, my desperately sobbing body.  He went into that room to see and tell that woman what she wanted to know.  To touch his dead father’s hand to see if it was cold.  To see if he was really dead.

The paramedics/fire department came and said “Yes, he is dead.  There is nothing we can do.”

Oh My God.  I kept saying.  I sobbed for hours it seemed.  The police came.  The Sergeant came.  The coroner came.  Everyone was so very nice – helpful – kind – so kind.  Me, a mess – Oh my God – How could he have done this?  Why?  Cause he Loved me and could not live without me?

Love – Is that Love?

Giving up your life because someone left you?  OH MY GOD – This is all my Fault!  Or is it?   OH MY GOD – What do I do now?  OH MY GOD are my kids OK?

OH MY GOD     OH MY GOD     OH MY GOD

Why did he choose to end his life instead of moving on without me?  Why couldn’t he be strong for his kids?  Why couldn’t he Love them enough to Move on.  Why did he choose this path?

Why        Why        Why?

Oh My God, I have to tell his Mom.  Oh My God, how do I tell his Mom, her only child is dead?  She knows what has been going on.  She knows I left her son in July.  She knows I filed for Divorce.  She knows.  She knows it is my fault her only child is dead.  Oh My God.  Oh My God.  How do I tell her?  How does anyone do such an awful thing?  How do I destroy her again?

That is what he said I did to him – I destroyed his life – I destroyed his Holidays – ME – It is My fault – I couldn’t stay any longer – I had to leave

Thank you, God that he didn’t kill my children too – Oh MY God – Oh My God – Oh MY God – Thank you my children are safe.  Oh MY GOD.  Oh My Fucking God what is happening?

OH MY GOD     OH MY GOD     OH MY GOD

My head hurt so bad I thought it would explode.  I thought I would throw up.  Why couldn’t I just throw up?  Why couldn’t this nightmare stop?  Why couldn’t I just have sacrificed my life for his?  Why couldn’t I just have stayed and made him happy?  Happily ever after – that is what he wanted, that is what his Mom wanted.  Maybe that is what I should have done.  Really, Tammy?  Really?

Isn’t that what Love is?  Sacrificing your life for another?  Oh MY God is that what Love is?  What the Fuck is Love – My Selfishness, my desire to be “happy.”  My desire for a life, my life, made him take his own life?  My action determined his death.  Is that True?  That is Fucked up.  Sacrificing my life may have saved his.  A life would have died all the same.  I would have been dead inside.  I could have chosen to continue my existence in that life, in that marriage.  I would have sacrificed, sacrificed my life for his.  Is that Love?  Holy Shit, if that is Love I want nothing to do with it.

Selfish – Some say I am selfish.  What do you think?  Really, search your heart – you think I am selfish don’t you?  Selfish to want to live and Love and Dance – Selfish cause I couldn’t find a way to live with him.  The man I promised to Love and be with forever.  The man I had already sacrificed my life for.  I poured out everything I had to that man.  I had nothing left to give him or anyone.  For months I have been healing.  Healing all the hurt I absorbed over the years.

I Fucked up.  I could have stayed.  I could have gone back to him like I did the year before when I left.  I could have absorbed more of his pain.  Maybe?  Could I?  Maybe…

He was filled with pain.  So much pain.  Pain his father poured out.  His father disowned him – 2 years ago – Told him he would never talk to him again.  His ONLY son – his ONLY child – For what?  For disrespecting him – “No one disrespects me, especially my own son!” [for asking him to stop drinking]  Then a year later, last December 12, 2014, his father drank himself to death.

Oh the pain.  The pain he felt.  Oh the pain.

From his father.  The Military.  The War.

Me – The pain I inflicted on him.  How could I?  I am a “good person” right?  That is what people say.  I’m a “good person.”  What the Hell is a “good person?”

Pain – Oh MY God the pain I’m feeling.

My Faith is wavering.

Are those that say there is no God “right?”

Are those that have NO Faith in anything “right?”

I’m a “good person.”  How could I have hurt someone so deeply that he killed himself if I am a “good person?”

OH MY GOD     OH MY GOD     OH MY GOD

He sacrificed for his family – I should have taken care of him

He sacrificed for his Country – I should have continued to take care of him

He sacrificed his life – I should have taken care of him

OH MY GOD     OH MY GOD     OH MY GOD

I sacrificed for so many years.  Why couldn’t I do it anymore?  Why couldn’t I sacrifice my life so he could live?

Oh MY God – He wasn’t living – His body was alive – He wasn’t living!  He survived wars, conflicts, and an abusive father.  He survived much – he could not survive his wife leaving him.

“He could not live without me.”  That is what he said.

Me – It is my fault

OH MY GOD     OH MY GOD     OH MY GOD

I’m going to throw up.  I can’t take this anymore.  My nose hurts, my head hurts.  My heart has been torn out of my body.  Ripped to shreds.  How could I hurt someone so much they’d kill themselves?

Why did he have to go through so much pain?

Why do I?

Why does his Mother?

Why do my kids?

Why?

That is the question isn’t it.  Why?  I have friends that don’t believe there is a God.  I have friends that are Mad at God.  Dan was Mad at God.  For years, he was mad that I Loved God more than I Loved him.  That the kids and I spent time away from him to spend at church with God.  He wouldn’t go see the kid’s performances if they were at the church.  He was Mad at God and distanced himself from me and the kids more and more as each day passed.  We lived separate lives in the same house.

I have friends that are waiting.  Waiting for Jesus to come and Save them.

Some are simply afraid of God.  He is so Vengeful we have been told.  He sends people to “Hell” for so many reasons.  We are told.  BULLSHIT

Some say Dan is in Hell for committing suicide.  You decide.  What do you think?

Yes You!  THINK!  Think for yourself.  Forget all you have been taught to think.  Just stop for a moment and think.  Stop for a moment and let your mind go blank.  Allow yourself to relax.  Allow the quiet to pour over you.

LISTEN, what do you hear?  How do you feel?  Do you feel Peace?

Do you feel Love?  Loved?  Do you hear and feel Nothing?

Does Anger and rage come up?

What do you hear?  What do you feel?

Write it down.  Try it again.

What can it hurt?  What can sitting quietly with yourself hurt?  What can it accomplish?      Oh so much.

My Faith, Yes, it wavered.  For a moment.

I am certain of Who I Am

I am certain of Who God is

Am I hurting?  Oh Yes.  Hell Yes!

Do I Trust God?  Oh Yes – More than ever.

He has me in his hand.  He has my kids in his hands.  He and His Angels are carrying me Every step of this Journey.  This Wonderful Journey.  No matter how difficult or painful it can be.  I know He is with me.  I know he is For me.  I know without a Shadow of a doubt that He LOVES Me more than I can ever imagine.  AND He LOVES Dan, Yes, He LOVES Dan more that we can imagine Even if he committed suicide.

I let go of all the Whys.  Why this?  Why that? – I Release.

I Trust and know that God has my back and will be with me through this very difficult time in my life – our lives –

I ask one thing of you –

Sit quietly as I described earlier – Listen for His still, small voice – Feel His Love – His UNCONDITIONAL LOVE for you.  Rest in knowing He is ALWAYS there for you.  His Angels are with you and watching over you.  Call upon them for help.

I Love you All!

Tammy Jo         (The Joyful will slowly return.  Of that I am SURE!)

And I will Dance Again.  One Day Soon.

 

 

Perturbed

I was perturbed today (Nov 24).  That achy, uncomfortable feeling when something is wrong, very wrong.  It gets worse and worse until it feels like everything is wrong.  Lately, I have been able to snap out of negative feelings fairly quickly.  Not today.  It took me quite a while to release a bit of negativity at a time.

I still danced in the kitchen, danced outside under Full Grandmother Moon.  Even danced at work with Amanda and Melissa.  (Yes, they already know I am crazy… now everyone knows…)  Music and dancing, that is what makes my heart sing.  Music, that is what dragged me out of this perturbed state.  At least long enough to dance today.  I smile when I am dancing.  My heart smiles and sings when I am dancing.  Under the state of joy from dancing, still lies the discontentment of being perturbed.

I tried to be nice.  I tried to listen.  I tried to be positive.  Thought I was being fair.  Then it felt like everything came crashing down around me.

Divorce, it is not a fun time……….

Miracles, Signs and Wonders or Coincidence – It is your choice

This week has been filled with many different feelings.  From everything I described in my previous blog to ecstatic feelings of joy in buying a “New to me” vehicle.

I was Numb earlier this week.  Numb to just about everything.

I am no longer Numb.  My Joy has once again been “Sparked.”

Friday evening started the elevation in my Attitude.  Our team from work went out to the “Fish Bowl” bowling and had a grand time: laughing and joking and bowling.  I had the low score and didn’t mind at all.  haha  Great Friends, Great Time!

Saturday, Saturday, Saturday…  I was trying to go with the flow.  I set my plans in motion.  I had a distance healing session in the morning (Laurie Wondra ~ Yourlifecore.com – Services – Energy work and Balance ~ She is amazing!)  I planned to leave at noon with my sister-in-law to pick up my Mom at the Denver Airport.  Mom flew in from North Dakota to spend 3 weeks with us.  Love that she comes at 87 to visit.  When we returned about 4, a friend was going to go car shopping with me.  Everything planned, my plans.  God had different plans.  These days I just go with it.  I do whatever I am guided to do and no delays anymore.  I have followed guidance for many years.  Now, the guidance is stronger and requires me to react immediately for my best interest.  Everything always works out, even if I don’t react immediately.  The situation just becomes quite uncomfortable if I delay.

So the reason for the title is next – Miracles, Signs and Wonders or coincidence – It is your choice.  Everything is your choice.  What to believe, what to do with your life, how to do it, when to do it…  Make a determination and Do it.  It really can be that simple now.  The world has changed.  Try it and see what happens.

The changes started with Mom’s plane being delayed 4-5 hours.  I started car shopping at 1 instead of 4 and my friend was not able to come with me.  I have never liked going to dealerships in the past and was a bit nervous going alone.  I have always been able to do Everything on my own.  I just don’t want to anymore.  My first stop was nerve wracking.  The salesman was, hmmm, what is a good term – typical older male lacking social skills.  And it took 15 minutes to find the keys to 2 vehicles I wanted to see.  Not a good start.  I almost left.  The first SUV that I really wanted to see was not there as advertised.  The second SUV almost didn’t start.  The third he had to go search for more keys.  When it was time for a test drive, he provided some snide comment.  That was it.  I took back my driver’s license, said thank you and left.  I was So proud of myself for leaving when I wanted to.  In the past, I have stayed in an uncomfortable situation because I thought I owed it to someone to follow through.  Not anymore.  Although, I am still learning.  I still stayed longer than I could have.  I could have followed the signs SOONER.  I could have left when my Angels said “Go” when I didn’t feel comfortable with the salesman and when it was taking so long.  That is what I mean when I said earlier that if I don’t listen right away the situation becomes more and more uncomfortable until I finally listen.

I didn’t know where I was going next.  In the car, I heard “BMW dealership”  That would be to expensive my logical mind said, they won’t want to take their time with a woman looking for a lower priced pre-owned vehicle.  I also heard “2010.”  Hmmm, that was newer than I was looking for…  I went with it. Off I went to the BMW dealership.  Wondering if it would also be an uncomfortable experience and I would go home empty-handed.

I have my rental car until Wednesday, I could go looking on Tuesday and Wednesday morning before work.  My mind was already planning, planning, planning ahead.  I stopped in my tracks as this is NOW.  I am living in the NOW, not planning ahead anymore.  I started picturing all the things I wanted in this vehicle.  2010 BMW X3, blue, low miles, very well maintained, leather heated seats, etc.  I arrived at the dealership.  I didn’t feel nervous, I felt comfortable walking through the door.  I was greeted immediately by Tom Betterson.  What a nice calm spirit I thought.  What a nice gentleman.  He listened to a quick overview of my desires and immediately took me outside to walk around and look.  He was a wealth of information and so very kind.  Very enjoyable conversation!  I felt very comfortable with him.  I gave more specifics of what I was looking for and he lead me right to an X3 that had been inspected, but had not been detailed yet.  We took it for a drive.  I received so many signs that this was the right SUV for me.  Numbers, my Angels show me numbers as guidance.  And also chills through my body as confirmation that I am doing the right thing.  I am Grateful!  So very Grateful!  The test drive went smooth, very smooth, very smooth indeed.  I fell in Love…  With an SUV, yes you heard correctly.  She fits like a glove. Just right for me!  And the lady that traded her in had taken very good care of her, all maintenance done and she is in Excellent condition.  One of my desires.  About 2 hours after the test drive, I drove off the lot with her.  Thank you Tom for being so kind and to everyone at Winslow BMW for a wonderful experience.  I was not expecting to enjoy visiting a dealership (I never have enjoyed it before)  I enjoyed such professionalism and kindness from everyone I met there.  And thank you USAA for loan pre-approval and ease of paying for a vehicle!

Coincidence I’m sure many will say.  I believe all that happened was Divinely guided.  A Miracle and Wonder with signs just for me.

You can enjoy Miracles, Wonders and Signs too.  Look around you for them.  Big or small Miracles.  Look around for them and you will experience Miracles, Wonders and Signs every day!

I AM Grateful

 

I am Grateful I am safe.  I am Grateful my Angels protected me!

It isn’t the things we go through that define us.  It is how we react to those things.  I have heard that many times.  I have been through some things that I would rather not have gone through.  One of those things happened today.  I have to say, it shook me up pretty good.  Me – the Warrior, the unshakable, the smiling, positive one.  I was dazed, confused, mad, sad, fearful.  Numb is the word I would use for how I feel right now.

Everything was going So well.  Even if it wasn’t going well.  I was able to dance and sing and smile and be positive, so positive.  Right now, I am numb.  I am safe.  I am not hurt.  I am Grateful, so very Grateful.

There was a “blizzard”here in Colorado.  A blizzard, ya right, I have been through much worse in North Dakota, my ego said.  I can drive to work.  I have to go to work you know, it is expected of me.  I will be fine.  My Guidance, my Angels, told me to stay home and write and enjoy the time off.  I didn’t listen.  I went to work.  Driving through a large drift outside the garage.  I still decided to go.  I was told the 24 was closed.  That is the road I take part way to work.  I took an alternate route.  The roads were not that bad, I thought.  It was very windy.  Very, Windy.  When I passed Golden Sage Rd.  Complete whiteout, I could see nothing.  Absolutely nothing, just whiteness.  Then a break in the whiteness to see a white pickup stopped or nearly stopped in the left lane right in front of me and a large blue 4 door pickup angled off the road to the right, stuck and against the guard rail.  Nowhere for me to go.  Roads so icy, stopping was not even a slight possibility. — I would have been fine if that Damn white pickup would not have been in the way —  I hit the blue pickup and came to rest on the guard rail.  My driver window shattered, glass all over me and the car.  The left side mirror on the floor at my feet.  It felt like I was not even in the car when it hit.  I remember, but I don’t.  I opened my eyes.  I thought it would be cold with the window open, it was not.  I thought the air bags would have deployed, they did not.  I thought I would have hit my head on the steering wheel, I did not.  I thought the areas on my body where my seat belt held me would be sore/bruised, they were not.  I did have 2 small bloody cuts on my left hand from the broken window.  I am Grateful.  So Grateful.

My Angels held me close to them in their arms.  That is what I am sure of.  They protected me from any harm to me.  Just as I have asked them to do.  They were with me comforting me, assuring me I was OK.  I was dazed, confused, stunned, in shock.

All sorts of things flew through my head.  Why was the white pickup stopped in the middle of the road.  That made me mad.  So mad.  If you are going to stop, pull over first.  I was mad that I decided to venture out.  I was mad work had decided to make us come in under such bad conditions.  Offices/sites in other states were told to stay home so many times in the past year.  I was mad, they didn’t consider us as important as other sites.  Others from work were mad too.  I pray they can release it.  Anger causes pain.  I am NOT willing to live in pain anymore.  I release the Anger.  I release the Anger.  I release the Anger.  I visualize putting all my Anger in a fast moving river in front of me.  Gone, it is gone, whisked away down the river.  I will remain positive.  I am Grateful.

I was sad.  Sad at the thought of loosing my MDX, my SUV.  I Love my car.  I’ve had it since 2005.  I am quite sure the repairs are going to cost more than it is worth, that the insurance company will total it.  I will find out tomorrow.  I will find a “new to me” SUV.  I will remain positive!  I am Grateful for Insurance.  So Grateful.

I was confused.  I could not think of what to do first.  Call a tow truck, call the insurance company.  How was I going to get anywhere?  Why me?  I tried to rock out of the snow drift.  Not happening.  I was stuck.  In my car.  With the driver’s window shattered.  I felt like my life was shattered.  For a MOMENT.  Then a knock on my passenger side window.  It was Geo, a tow truck driver.  He was there to tow the blue pickup.  He said the conditions were to dangerous to load the pickup now.  He offered me a ride to the 7-Eleven a few miles away.  Thank you, Divine!  Thank you, Angels!  For him to be there at that moment, not a coincidence.  He dropped me off by the road to the 7-Eleven.  The entrance was blocked by snow.  Snow.  Snow.  So much snow.  Noone could drive in or out of the gas station.   I walk to the building.  I am Grateful.  So Grateful to be inside.  I will remain positive.

Now what?  I was dazed.  I could not think.  Brenda sent me “Light.”  My Angels cleared my head.  I could think again.  I called the insurance company.  She was wonderful and had a very calming voice.  (I have been told I have a calming voice when I assist people on the phone.  What I give out came back to me.  I am Grateful)  I don’t remember her name, I wish I remembered her name.  She took care of everything in 45 minutes.  She took the claim information, ordered a tow truck and a rental car.  I am Grateful.  I will remain positive.  The rental car associate arrive as soon as he could, about 45 minutes later.  Only an hour and a half at the gas station.  I have a rental car.  I am Grateful.  I am So Grateful to be on my way home.  I see at least 10 or more cars stuck on the side of the road.

I make it back home.  I took a hot bath in a jetted tub.  Thank you, Gloria.  I am Grateful.  I am relaxed.

I realize I have to take the keys back to my car, so they can tow it.  I ask my Angels to be home before darkness sets in.  Off into the winter I go again.  In a small car that is not snow worthy…  I am nervous/fearful, quite nervous to drive this little car in this awful weather.  Angels are surrounding me, of that I am sure.  Four hours later, still whiteout, blizzard conditions in the area of my accident.  I get some things out of the car and leave the keys in it.  I walk through drifts of snow.  My son has generously said I could use his Jeep.  He just happens to have the day off.  No coincidence, of that I am sure.  God’s Divine provision for me.  AND I get home before darkness falls.  I am Grateful.  So Grateful.

Now here I sit writing this to you.  I am still a bit Numb…  I have released my Anger.  I have released my Sadness.  I have released my Confusion.  I have released my Fear.  I determine that I will walk into work tomorrow head held high, smile on my face and I will remain Positive.  I refuse to live in darkness and pain any more.  I am convinced that every day will be the best day of my life so far no matter what.

I am Grateful.  I am so Grateful.  I remain Positive.

My First Blog Post – By Faith

Well, here goes.  Starting this blog by Faith.

I ended up staying home from work today.  Sneezing, coughing, achy, head stuffy, weak voice and tired, very tired all not a good combination when you talk on the phones all day.  So I stayed home.  Slept.  Made homemade chicken soup.  Danced a bit to the rhythmic music.  Swayed to the music more like it.  Not enough energy to dance much.  I felt crappy.  Very crappy.  When I can’t dance there is definitely something wrong…  (I Love to Dance.  Oh how I love to Dance.  It makes me happy, very happy)

I texted a friend telling her all my woes.  She said “Well quit it”

Wow.  Who knew three words could make such a difference in my day.  I did just that.  I quit it.  As simple as that, I just quit.   “I’m starting my blog now”  and here I am.  I’ve never considered myself a writer.  Although I have many, many journals from over the years.  So, I guess I have always been a writer.

I am Learning to Love Myself.  Thus, the blog theme…  I am learning what I love to do.  I am learning to do the things I love to do.  I am learning to be Courageous.  I Love being Courageous now.  I am addicted to finding some Courageous thing to do every day.  Some days more than one!  I am getting addicted to many things.  Sunrises, Sunsets, Love – Unconditional Love.  Yes, I am now feeling unconditional Love for those around me.  Me, the judging one.  I changed.  You can too.  You can change anything about yourself if you want to.  Really want to.  Do not change for someone else.  That never works.  It can be a temporary change, but nothing really changes unless you determine to change deep within your Soul.  I was not happy with me.  So I determined to change.

My first change a few years ago was to loose weight.  My 3 D’s were: Desire, Determination and Dedication.  The Metabolic Research Center in Colorado Springs assisted in my weight loss and was suggested by a friend at work.  Since that determination, I have lost 53 lbs. and feel great.  I Love eating healthy now.

You can do anything you set your mind to!  Anything you Really Desire to do.

My second change was regarding Spirituality.  I had a wonderful connection to God or so I thought.  I did all that I was “Supposed” to do and do and do.  If it was so wonderful, why was I miserable?  Don’t get me wrong,  The moments of Walking with and Talking to My Jesus were absolutely Wonderful!  I have a much broader picture of who God is now.  And more importantly who He isn’t.  More about that later…

Wow, I had no idea that was going to be in the first blog…..  Will anybody read any more?  Ha.  We’ll see.  It doesn’t matter.  I don’t care if people like me anymore.  Like what I say anymore.  Like how I look.  Boy is that freeing….  I was such a “People Pleaser” what a prison I put myself in.  Yes, Myself.  It was NOONE elses fault.  It was My choice.  I made choices, some good, some not so good.  All taught me something.  All made me who I am today and I am very grateful for my life and all the people along the way who helped make me the person I am today.  I can Truly say “I Love You, Tammy”  and really mean it.

I Love you, Tammy!  I Really Love you, Tammy!

Learn to Love yourself…  That is my plea to you.  Love Yourself, Dear One.

PS   I have another addiction…..  Assisting others in their Healing process.

Join me on this ride.  Everyone has a story.  I want to hear everyone’s story.  I want my story to inspire others to Determine to LOVE Unconditionally.

Starting with You.  Love Yourself!  Determine Now to Love Yourself!