OH MY GOD

December 1, 2015 – Oh My God is all I could say yesterday – All Day – that is all I could say.  Until it wasn’t.

Why?  What is happening?  What do I do now?

My husband, the man I left in July, My kid’s father – Killed himself.  He went to bed, fell asleep and died.  I found his cold, hard body yesterday, November 30, 2015.  I called 911.  I couldn’t think.  I didn’t know what to “Do.”  I took one step at a time.  I told the lady on the phone everything she wanted/needed to know.  Until I couldn’t.  Until she asked me to go back into that room.  The room that had been my/our bedroom for 9 years.  Brian, my dear son, took the phone from my hands, my desperately sobbing body.  He went into that room to see and tell that woman what she wanted to know.  To touch his dead father’s hand to see if it was cold.  To see if he was really dead.

The paramedics/fire department came and said “Yes, he is dead.  There is nothing we can do.”

Oh My God.  I kept saying.  I sobbed for hours it seemed.  The police came.  The Sergeant came.  The coroner came.  Everyone was so very nice – helpful – kind – so kind.  Me, a mess – Oh my God – How could he have done this?  Why?  Cause he Loved me and could not live without me?

Love – Is that Love?

Giving up your life because someone left you?  OH MY GOD – This is all my Fault!  Or is it?   OH MY GOD – What do I do now?  OH MY GOD are my kids OK?

OH MY GOD     OH MY GOD     OH MY GOD

Why did he choose to end his life instead of moving on without me?  Why couldn’t he be strong for his kids?  Why couldn’t he Love them enough to Move on.  Why did he choose this path?

Why        Why        Why?

Oh My God, I have to tell his Mom.  Oh My God, how do I tell his Mom, her only child is dead?  She knows what has been going on.  She knows I left her son in July.  She knows I filed for Divorce.  She knows.  She knows it is my fault her only child is dead.  Oh My God.  Oh My God.  How do I tell her?  How does anyone do such an awful thing?  How do I destroy her again?

That is what he said I did to him – I destroyed his life – I destroyed his Holidays – ME – It is My fault – I couldn’t stay any longer – I had to leave

Thank you, God that he didn’t kill my children too – Oh MY God – Oh My God – Oh MY God – Thank you my children are safe.  Oh MY GOD.  Oh My Fucking God what is happening?

OH MY GOD     OH MY GOD     OH MY GOD

My head hurt so bad I thought it would explode.  I thought I would throw up.  Why couldn’t I just throw up?  Why couldn’t this nightmare stop?  Why couldn’t I just have sacrificed my life for his?  Why couldn’t I just have stayed and made him happy?  Happily ever after – that is what he wanted, that is what his Mom wanted.  Maybe that is what I should have done.  Really, Tammy?  Really?

Isn’t that what Love is?  Sacrificing your life for another?  Oh MY God is that what Love is?  What the Fuck is Love – My Selfishness, my desire to be “happy.”  My desire for a life, my life, made him take his own life?  My action determined his death.  Is that True?  That is Fucked up.  Sacrificing my life may have saved his.  A life would have died all the same.  I would have been dead inside.  I could have chosen to continue my existence in that life, in that marriage.  I would have sacrificed, sacrificed my life for his.  Is that Love?  Holy Shit, if that is Love I want nothing to do with it.

Selfish – Some say I am selfish.  What do you think?  Really, search your heart – you think I am selfish don’t you?  Selfish to want to live and Love and Dance – Selfish cause I couldn’t find a way to live with him.  The man I promised to Love and be with forever.  The man I had already sacrificed my life for.  I poured out everything I had to that man.  I had nothing left to give him or anyone.  For months I have been healing.  Healing all the hurt I absorbed over the years.

I Fucked up.  I could have stayed.  I could have gone back to him like I did the year before when I left.  I could have absorbed more of his pain.  Maybe?  Could I?  Maybe…

He was filled with pain.  So much pain.  Pain his father poured out.  His father disowned him – 2 years ago – Told him he would never talk to him again.  His ONLY son – his ONLY child – For what?  For disrespecting him – “No one disrespects me, especially my own son!” [for asking him to stop drinking]  Then a year later, last December 12, 2014, his father drank himself to death.

Oh the pain.  The pain he felt.  Oh the pain.

From his father.  The Military.  The War.

Me – The pain I inflicted on him.  How could I?  I am a “good person” right?  That is what people say.  I’m a “good person.”  What the Hell is a “good person?”

Pain – Oh MY God the pain I’m feeling.

My Faith is wavering.

Are those that say there is no God “right?”

Are those that have NO Faith in anything “right?”

I’m a “good person.”  How could I have hurt someone so deeply that he killed himself if I am a “good person?”

OH MY GOD     OH MY GOD     OH MY GOD

He sacrificed for his family – I should have taken care of him

He sacrificed for his Country – I should have continued to take care of him

He sacrificed his life – I should have taken care of him

OH MY GOD     OH MY GOD     OH MY GOD

I sacrificed for so many years.  Why couldn’t I do it anymore?  Why couldn’t I sacrifice my life so he could live?

Oh MY God – He wasn’t living – His body was alive – He wasn’t living!  He survived wars, conflicts, and an abusive father.  He survived much – he could not survive his wife leaving him.

“He could not live without me.”  That is what he said.

Me – It is my fault

OH MY GOD     OH MY GOD     OH MY GOD

I’m going to throw up.  I can’t take this anymore.  My nose hurts, my head hurts.  My heart has been torn out of my body.  Ripped to shreds.  How could I hurt someone so much they’d kill themselves?

Why did he have to go through so much pain?

Why do I?

Why does his Mother?

Why do my kids?

Why?

That is the question isn’t it.  Why?  I have friends that don’t believe there is a God.  I have friends that are Mad at God.  Dan was Mad at God.  For years, he was mad that I Loved God more than I Loved him.  That the kids and I spent time away from him to spend at church with God.  He wouldn’t go see the kid’s performances if they were at the church.  He was Mad at God and distanced himself from me and the kids more and more as each day passed.  We lived separate lives in the same house.

I have friends that are waiting.  Waiting for Jesus to come and Save them.

Some are simply afraid of God.  He is so Vengeful we have been told.  He sends people to “Hell” for so many reasons.  We are told.  BULLSHIT

Some say Dan is in Hell for committing suicide.  You decide.  What do you think?

Yes You!  THINK!  Think for yourself.  Forget all you have been taught to think.  Just stop for a moment and think.  Stop for a moment and let your mind go blank.  Allow yourself to relax.  Allow the quiet to pour over you.

LISTEN, what do you hear?  How do you feel?  Do you feel Peace?

Do you feel Love?  Loved?  Do you hear and feel Nothing?

Does Anger and rage come up?

What do you hear?  What do you feel?

Write it down.  Try it again.

What can it hurt?  What can sitting quietly with yourself hurt?  What can it accomplish?      Oh so much.

My Faith, Yes, it wavered.  For a moment.

I am certain of Who I Am

I am certain of Who God is

Am I hurting?  Oh Yes.  Hell Yes!

Do I Trust God?  Oh Yes – More than ever.

He has me in his hand.  He has my kids in his hands.  He and His Angels are carrying me Every step of this Journey.  This Wonderful Journey.  No matter how difficult or painful it can be.  I know He is with me.  I know he is For me.  I know without a Shadow of a doubt that He LOVES Me more than I can ever imagine.  AND He LOVES Dan, Yes, He LOVES Dan more that we can imagine Even if he committed suicide.

I let go of all the Whys.  Why this?  Why that? – I Release.

I Trust and know that God has my back and will be with me through this very difficult time in my life – our lives –

I ask one thing of you –

Sit quietly as I described earlier – Listen for His still, small voice – Feel His Love – His UNCONDITIONAL LOVE for you.  Rest in knowing He is ALWAYS there for you.  His Angels are with you and watching over you.  Call upon them for help.

I Love you All!

Tammy Jo         (The Joyful will slowly return.  Of that I am SURE!)

And I will Dance Again.  One Day Soon.